August 7, 2019 (Lake Jackson, TX) -- Summer is winding down with season ending vacations and a few more days to relax which must mean that school will start soon. While Americans are brainwashed into thinking that the last week of August is the official start of fall (pumpkin spiced lattes go on sale) the thermometer says it’s not. Millions of students, coaches, band directors, assistant directors, assistant coaches, cheerleader leaders, helicopter moms, weekend dads, grandparents, boosters and even reporters will all say the same thing; “it’s too hot for this.” The makers of SwampButt Underwear™ agree that August is not fall and yes, it is too hot. While SwampButt Underwear has no influence over the nation’s educators, calendars or the weather, it does have insight and advice to share for teens who are headed back to class this "fall."

Why The Heat Is Worse At School

Un-air-conditioned buses, temporary buildings, practice fields, gyms that could double as orchid nurseries and locker rooms that make Saigon seem cool and dry by comparison will be crowded with hormonal teenagers. Those same teens, whose biological changes will ooze out a real stink on even the coolest day, are all jammed together in classes and busses across the fruited plain. Many are leaving their sweaty butt prints on chairs, seats and bleachers. "Most school busses do not come with seat belts, so air conditioning. Don't make me laugh," said SwampButt Underwear spokesperson and GED hopeful Nick Heraldson. "Your students will come home all wet and cranky. Wet from the heat and sweat, cranky from trying to learn algebra."

It's The Most Terrible Time Of The Year

For the kids who have ‘issues’ with excessive sweating the start of school is the worst time of year. It's easy enough to hide sweat in summer because everyone is sweaty, but not everyone is as sweaty once the bell rings. Middle and high school students are not particularly understanding about teen sweating or swamp butt. Although both conditions are very common, they remain largely misunderstood. There are a lot of terrible ideas for teens to manage their excessive sweating. Here are just a few of the worst.

Bad Ideas for Sweaty Teens

Wear black to hide sweat. Unless you are a devoted goth, ninja, going to or from a funeral, or prefer to be alone/dateless/un-kissed the entire school year, turning up in black everyday will draw all the wrong type of attention. Make a better fashion statement than this. Better to sweat than be ostracized or labeled something negative.

Layering clothes makes sweat harder to see. Teen agers at the north or south pole can do this, but nowhere else, especially during August and September. Putting on layers of clothes in August in the south, or practically anywhere, will make a student look like a drug mule, they are hiding a pregnancy, or stealing art supplies. No one wants to be accused of any of those. So, wear something that looks cool that will help keep cool.

Snappy retorts. No one likes a smart ass. Saying things like, "I may be all gross and sweaty but at least I’m not dropping my mother off at the methadone clinic like you" may seem clever at first but not when the comedian's teeth are scattered all over the cafetorium floor. A better idea is to make jokes about yourself and your sweaty essence. Self-directed humor disarms haters and makes the joker seem approachable, well-adjusted and stable, just like all teenagers.

Make friends with other sweaty kids. No, just no. Clumping together in a clammy knot with other sticky kids is not the way to attract positive attention. The goal for most teens is to fit in and avoid negative notice. A congregation of clammy seat moisteners will spell doom for all involved. It is however the way for the soaked students to earn unfortunate nicknames for themselves or their group. Here are a few examples:

• Team Body Odor,

• The Stank-Ems,

• Agents of Dress Shield,

• Puddles of Eww, etc.

Myths Debunked

Like ideas, there is a good bit of myth and folklore when it comes to teens and like most all myths and folklore it's just nonsense.

Myth: Kids and young adults are “resilient” and can deal with sweating a lot.

Truth: No, they aren’t. Medical journal citations substantiate that young people are known to be significantly impacted by emotional sequelae accompanying dermatologic disease and that psychiatric issues inherently accompany dermatologic disease in children and adolescents. Studies further show that most patients with hyperhidrosis—characterized by excessive, spontaneous sweating beyond physiologic, thermal, or stress-reaction body requirements—describe their lives as “bad” or “very bad” due to the disorder. So much for resiliency.

Myth: Antiperspirants are not for underarms only.

Truth: Antiperspirants are only for your underarms. Anyone who recommends that you can glide, stick, spray, and roll-on nearly anywhere that sweating is a problem (think butt cheeks, hands, feet, face, back, chest, and even groin) has never tried this. Even clear unscented deodorant stick has a distinctive smell and will look like a layer of really thick sweaty ooze on hands, faces and this is not a good look. “Try holding a pom-pom, football, flute or flag with this slippery goo on your hands,” Heraldson wondered aloud. “Be smart and use this and all products as directed.”

Sweating Sucks

Teen sweating pretty much sucks in general. But when you have to go back to school, after a summer of ballin', hangin' and straight-chillin’, the amount that it sucks can be compounded by excessive sweating. “While we are not able to make the transition to adult hood any smoother the makers of SwampButt Underwear can provide an undergarment that will wick, and dry excessive butt sweat,” Heraldson concluded. To learn more visit www.swampbutt.com