By BlackDoctor.org

“There’s a melancholy in me that never goes away. I’m 50% happy and 50% sad at any given moment.” – Billy Bob Thorton.

As a humanist, there’s a melancholy in me that never goes away as well. Some of the happiest moments in my life are interrupted by some of the saddest and most disturbing thoughts. I blame it on one of my worst flaws – I’m too empathetic. The simple fact that people in this world are literally suffering as I write makes it hard to even enjoy the sweet agony of the process. During those transitions from sheer jubilation to deep dejection and back, the age-old axiom always rings in my head, “ignorance is bliss.”

Bliss has been quite fleeting as of late and unfortunately, it is a side effect of being a humanist. Friends, family and even strangers have added news episodes to my melancholy over the years. See, I’ve always been a person that people confide their most personal feelings and experiences in. As much as it is an honor to be deemed worthy of helping people through their toughest of times, it is emotionally and mentally taxing. I innately absorb their pain in the process of leading them to (hopefully) safer and sounder grounds.

Of all the questions I’ve asked during countless conversations, there was always one that got the worst response – “Have you thought about seeing a therapist?”

Each and every initial response was filled with reticence, dismissal and vehement denouncement. In the back of my mind, I get furious just as much as I get disheartened with their responses, but honestly, who could blame them? We as a global society are at the point where a person who is on the brink of implosion fails to seek professional counseling due to perception.

They, like millions of others, have been conditioned to look at therapy as taboo.

This is one of the most dangerous and poisonous cultures festering behind the closed doors of millions of homes around the world. The taboo associated with seeing a therapist perpetuates the abuse a person experiences as they attempt to function normally in their everyday world. What ensues is a psychological warfare, if you will, that pits people against the very person they least need to fight…themselves.

Simply look at the psychology behind the taboo:

1. You’ll be viewed as crazy, weak, insane or having a mental illness

2. You’ll bring embarrassment to the family name

3. You’ll be placed on meds and other alternative methods

4. What happens in the house stays in the house

Just “man up”

1. Seek God and religion rather than “the middle-aged white woman who can’t relate”

2. Only Caucasians go to therapy

3. Revealing the truth may get family and/or friends in trouble

4. Career ramifications (e.g. it’s made clear in medicals school that doctors shouldn’t see therapists. There can’t be a history of “mental illness” while applying for residency. The same rationale applies to pilots. For professions that are extremely stressful by nature, the field wants to reduce the number of people in theory who are not “mentally strong”. Seeking therapy as a member of the military was reportable to command and could seriously affect career because personality disorders are service-disqualifying.)

Generational narratives like these continuously deter people from seeking the professional help they so desperately need. The instilled fear of therapy leads to fear of talking which leads to fear of healing. People are forced by society to internalize and resolve their problems without assistance. This lack of support and positive coping mechanisms often equate to depleted health and self-destructive behavior.

We have to eradicate the false notion that internalizing our pain or trauma makes us stronger. Contrary to popular belief, your pain shouldn’t define you. You are NOT your pain. Your pain is not a rite of passage. Because so many of us lack a true understanding of how trauma affects the mind and body, the re-victimization of trauma survivors occurs over and over again.

Conversations about mental health need to be normalized. In the age of information and transparency, we are so enamored with the physical that we lose focus on the mental and emotional because the latter two are so abstract. Trauma, depression, and pain are often invisible and intangible – and that’s the kicker – as long as you’re functioning and physically present you’re perceived to be perfectly fine.

Now let’s take a quick step back. Remember those aforementioned new episodes of melancholy? Well, receiving news of friends’ suicide attempts was the main cause. Things got so bad that they rationalized their own deaths as the cure. To think over a handful of my friends could be gone all because some foolish taboo is scary. Just scary. And all for what? Because their families didn’t want them to be viewed as “crazy”? Is it really worth the loss of a child? Is it worth the pain of laying them to rest with endless questions? The embarrassment of a loss of life in that manner will dwarf the “embarrassment” of them seeing a therapist.

It took failed suicide attempts for them to seek counseling. Read that line again. And again. And again. I want people to conceptualize the gravity of maintaining a culture where therapy is not accepted. You might ignorantly believe these are extreme cases until you’re on the other end of a phone call with a friend who’s explaining to you how they could be dead by their own purposeful doing; how their inability to function in a life where they couldn’t overcome the same emotional and mental hurdles finally got the best of them.

For those who may not be anywhere close to the edge, but are still hesitant about seeing a therapist I completely understand. You’re fearful or prideful of going, but therapy is a deep healing – and in order to heal you have to be naked. You have to be vulnerable and honest. A deeper understanding and meaning of who you are and your behaviors by making connections and identifying patterns will change and save your life…literally.

Look at therapy as a safe space for you to discuss your trauma, depression or anxiety without judgment or bias – only to be relieved by the revelation that you are not an anomaly. Everything you’re feeling SHOULD be felt because you are human, plain and simple. Don’t ever think concealing what you’re going through is helping those around you – quite the contrary – you only burden those around you.

I’ll simplify it even more. If your wisdom teeth hurt would you not go to the dentist? If you broke a bone would you not go to the doctor? Exactly. Seeking professional diagnostics and remedies are innate in these situations. Begin to view counseling in the same light.

Keep in mind that some people go to therapy just to have someone to generally vent to – you don’t have to be suffering to seek professional guidance. I love the fact that radio personality, Charlamagne Tha God, openly and candidly speaks about how he visits his therapist every Friday at 3 pm. Rhetoric like this is so important for people of color who need inspiration or reassurance.

On another note, it can’t go without saying that there are socioeconomic factors that play a role in the utilization of therapy, especially for people of color. Discrepancies in race, social status, and age between therapists and clients jump out immediately. In a Caucasian female-dominated field, there is a shortage of therapists with ethnic backgrounds. Limitations of jobs and associated mental health benefits must be considered too. Medicare, Medicaid, and public health agencies often max out on four visits. To add, mental health providers tend to be first services cut off when adjusting program budgets.

The importance and process of finding the right therapists is discounted as well. The best analogy I can offer is the one a friend who happens to have a therapist told me – it’s like dating. Your first few sessions are used to feel out the therapist and decide whether you’re compatible. The relationship between therapist and client sets the course for the process of healing.

Therapy, like life, is a journey that will evolve as you work through your issues. Discovering ways to cope isn’t a one size fits all solution. If anything it will be a gradual process to tear down walls and build fences.

My friend explained it well:

“Life does not stop happening when you find a coping mechanism that works for the present. Continued therapy for me is proactive maintenance and the quality of my sessions change as progress is made. Stopping and restarting is usually a reaction to a new/recent trigger.”

Here’s something to consider though. Isn’t it funny how we exclaim therapy is the answer for celebrities who appear to be going “insane” (e.g. Kanye) yet we’re not empathetic or mindful enough to suggest the same for our own family and friends? Seems we should be less focused on the trajectory of Kanye’s life and a lot more focused on the downward spirals happening right inside that house of yours that’s secretly not a home.

Good morning.